Scene: Narrator opens (dramatic organ music in the background):
“In our last installment, our intrepid journey agent embarked on the path of Fierce Conversations. She had the steps down pat. The list of her pending fierce conversation recipients held firmly in her sweaty, trembling hand. The deal with her coach was one a day for 5 days. It was a warrior’s dose of practical self help. Was she up to the challenge? Let’s find out.” (Organ swells and fades)
Just so you’re clear… the intrepid journey agent? That would be me. The journey I’m taking is to a dark corner of my personality that has been running the show for far too long. It’s the part of me who avoids asking for what she really wants for fear of displeasing someone else. And that list of fierce conversations, those honest discussions that scared me half to death? Well let’s just say it’s been more than 5 days, but it ain’t over yet.
I started out of the gate with gusto, and had two fierce conversations in the same day! Both were difficult for similar reasons. Both involved making a choice to ask to be paid, instead of giving away my time, talents and possessions. I was standing for myself in a way I never had before. It was a surprise to me and them.
The first one was not at all comfortable for either of us. But it was quick. I chose to stick to my original plan to sell a piece of furniture instead of give it away, so I had to call my friend and renege. She said she understood, and I know she did in the moment. But something about it disturbed her and she called me back to say so. And it was all I could do not to apologize to her! I almost bit my tongue to keep from taking back my decision. I was so afraid of hurting her feelings, so afraid of not appearing generous, so determined to win her attention and affection by giving myself away. It was a revelation to see myself in that light.
The second conversation was actually a meeting. This one took me a little longer, and I wasted a bit of time in the beginning with some warm-up small talk. (Yeah, I was stalling). But I had to remove myself from a project of his that would have taken up too much time while not earning me a penny. (Should I mention that he already owed me money from a previous business loan?) It might have been fun, but I’m trying to make my living as an artist and producer. It was time for me to ask to be paid I wanted, needed and deserved.
Now, you’d think that would have been the end of it. But I couldn’t leave it alone! Oh no, a couple of days later, I offered to do something else for him that would have been hours of work, for free, again. It’s like I wanted his success almost more than I wanted my own. But I caught myself playing out that old habit again, so I went back and got out of it again.
That’s what we have to do. When a fierce conversation is incomplete, and you can feel it in your gut when it is, you get to go back and repeat it ‘til its right. Multiple trips are fine, even if it’s messy, because we don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be real.
Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success in Work and in Life, One Conversation at a Time, by Susan Scott.
