One of my sister-friends has become noticeably lighter and freer lately. When I asked her about it, she said that she had decided to forgive her ex-husband for all the things she was holding against him. They’d been divorced for years, but she could never talk about him without cussing, so this was huge.
There are rules of engagement when it comes to forgiveness, both asking for and receiving it. It’s simple, but not easy. And when done right, no one is left unchanged.
We’ve all probably received some sorry (pun intended) apologies in our lifetime. We’ve no doubt given some too, like: “I’m sorry if you were hurt.” Or, “I’m sorry if you took what I said the wrong way.” Or, “I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t done what you did, blah blah blah.” And then there’s the deflection apology: “I’m sorry, but what about last year when you (fill in the offense being brought up yet again)…” Sheesh! No wonder we feel little satisfaction from weak apologies like these. They all leave an escape hatch so we can save face. It’s no easy task to apologize without wanting to be right.
Then there’s the quandary of how to forgive and actually forget. Years ago, when I was living in Baltimore and regularly attending a center for spiritual studies, one of our sacred texts had a passage that read “Suspect not evil in anyone unless thou seest it. When thou seest it, forget it not.” We used to quote that passage often and feel justified, even vindicated because it actually gave us permission to hold a grudge. It said to us have an open mind but be aware. And when you see the wrong, let it be a lesson to you, and don’t let ‘em punk you the next go ‘round.
After a few years, it was time to re-print the texts. Since we’d been reading from copies, research was done to find the original. When it was found, we discovered the quote actually was, “Suspect not evil in anyone until thou seest it. When thou seest it, forget not to forgive.” Whaaa? BIG difference! That took the wind right out of our self-righteous sails. In true forgiveness, there’s no holding on to being the victor. The choice is we can be right, or we can give love.
So here now, are some steps I’ve learned to a clean apology.
1. Apologize for what you, and only you, did, without hesitation, qualifications or diversions. “I am sorry. I was judgmental, hard-hearted, selfish and careless with your feelings.”
2. Ask for forgiveness. “I hope that you will forgive me.”
3. State how you would like the relationship to be going forward. “I miss our friendship.” Or, “I want us to be closer.” Or, “Even if we don’t see each other, I’d like there to be no negative feelings between us.”
4. Ask if there is something you can do to make amends – and do it. This completes the circle on the act of forgiveness by providing recompense.
5. Then let it go, never to be brought up again, in your mind, heart or conversation.
